We Can't Go Over It. We Can't Go Under It.
Back to School Hong Kong
The nerves are real. A new school? Perhaps. A new classroom? Most certainly. New teachers, a shake up of peers? Likely. Change of any kind is hard. Not just for our kids. If we are honest, change can be a struggle for us too. This post has both the science behind the why, but more importantly how you can support your anxious child transitioning to school.
The only way is through it
Every August in the weeks leading up to the new school year, my clients, parents of children starting a new school year want the same thing for their child.
A good year. A kind one. A year of thriving, within the classroom and beyond. I want that too. For my children and for yours.
However, my recent efforts to sort through my kids' memory boxes offered me an "aha moment". A reframe this week, as many of us work towards preparing our families back into back-to-school routines. This reframe has been inspired by the popular children's picture book "We are going on a Bear Hunt" by Michael Rosen.
"We're going on a bear hunt. I'm not scared.
We can't go over it.
We can't go under it.
Oh no. We've got to go through it."
Michael Rosen, Going on a Bear Hunt
We would rather our children did not encounter the hard thing. The difficult teacher. The friendship groups that are subject to reshuffles in September, potentially leaving someone on the outside. The subject that is a struggle. We would protect them from all of it if we could. As parents, nature designed us to be protective of them. Shelter them from harm. Flicking through the pages of this picture book reminded me that the family on the bear hunt does not go around the long grass, the cold river, the thick forest. They go through it.
What a school year actually offers
A new school year is an invitation, an opportunity for your child (and you, often as bystander, emotion coach, cheerleader and guide) to encounter something unfamiliar and discover something about themselves in the process. Often right inside the struggle, not on the other side of it.
I think about the years in my own professional life that were genuinely hard. The ones where something went wrong, where the path I had planned did not turn out to be the path I walked down. The year an expected promotion was delayed. The year when the client I hoped for didn't materialise. And the year the internal role I applied for went to someone else.
The years that asked the most of me are the ones which offered me the most growth.
It is my hope that this post offers you faith in your child, trust in the process to move through the challenge, and most of all, trust yourself to be present, walking alongside them as they navigate the journey.
What our role actually is
It is easy to fall prey to wanting to solve every problem, offer the most practical solution, and most of all, negate or dial down their true, felt experience. However, quite contrary to what we think, our role is to be available. To be genuinely interested. To create the conditions at home where the struggles from the day can be offloaded safely, rather than carried to bed and onto the next day.
Our role is to sit beside them. They need to feel that you can hold what they are carrying without immediately needing to make it better. Many times all our children want is to feel heard and somewhat understood.
Take a moment to reflect back on your difficult years, either as a student or a working professional. Years where something did not go to plan, where you had to find something in yourself you did not know was there. Those years shaped you. While it is our hope to shelter them from all adversity, what they hope for is a parent who listens and hears their struggles, tries to understand, but most of all, trusts in their ability to move through the struggle, and knows they can call on you when they need you.
Before September starts
Getting our children to open up depends on the quality of our questions. The questions below are designed to get children to open up when they are carrying something they may not necessarily have the words to define.
Those questions are for paid subscribers below. If you are not yet subscribed, you can join us here: ourflourishingfamilies.com/substack
What I want to leave you with before the bell rings is this.
This year is going to be another year. A real one. With real children in it, doing the best they can with what they have. And you are going to be there beside them while they go through it.
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